I'm just a wife and mother who earnestly desires to grow in my faith and it's demonstration. DISCLAIMER! I have absolutely no problem with women in the clergy. As a matter of fact, I have several female pastors who I consider friends. In my home, the pastor is a male so the pronouns I use to refer to a pastor tend to be male. This is not a statement of any kind. Just a reflection of my every day life!

Posts tagged ‘life’

Don’t It Always Seem To Go . . .

The title of this blog comes from a Joni Mitchell song that has been recorded by at least a few artists –

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

It’s a well-known phrase and some people even argue that you know exactly what you have but you don’t think you’ll ever lose it.  I can understand that perspective.  But I believe that while you may know what you have, you don’t understand the value of it till you lose it.

And some things you can’t avoid losing.

When my kids were little, we would stay with my grandparents when we went to my hometown to visit.  My grandmother constantly voiced her concerns that the kids were too close to the stairways and could get hurt.  She would wonder aloud if the room they slept in was too cold/too warm.  When my grandfather would take them for a ride in the trailer towed by his lawn tractor, grandma always cautioned him not to go too fast so the kids wouldn’t get bounced around.

As a young mom, it was easy to get exasperated and see her constant worrying as a sign that she doubted my abilities as a mom.  Now I understand that she loved her grandkids and would never have forgiven herself if something had happened to one of them when she could have prevented it.

I would give almost anything to hear her say, “Don’t let her get too close to those stairs.  She might fall” just one more time.

Right up until the day he died, my grandfather insisted that he wasn’t losing his hearing.  He was convinced we were all just mumbling.  So we’d repeat ourselves two or three times until we found the right volume for him to hear us.

Now I know that my grandfather was struggling with what aging does to the human body.  He had been an athlete and farmer, he’d driven a delivery truck for Standard Oil and had spent much of his life working hard at physically demanding jobs.  To admit to something as mundane as hearing loss?  I can’t even begin to imagine how frustrating it must have been for him.

I would give anything to have to repeat myself, just a little bit louder, one more time.

When my kids were little, the constant cries of “Mommy” could get a bit overwhelming.  I had three girls who danced, all four participated in theatrical productions, had outings with friends, a few who did the marching band thing, all four did choir . . . you get the idea!  Having four kids in just under five years meant that there were days I had to work to find space to take a deep breath!  I remember, during those younger years, imagining what it would be like not to have sticky little hands grabbing at me or small people needing me all the time.  I was thrilled when kiddos started driving – or their friends did – so my schedule got a little more breathing room since I didn’t need to play chauffeur quite as much.

As I look back now, I see their “neediness” for what it is – trust.  They came to me because they trusted me to meet their needs and help them with their social schedule.

Now they are all grown and gone.  And I would give just about anything for one more skinned knee that only mom could kiss away.  Or one more “Mom, can you give me a ride?”.

I knew exactly how much I loved each and every one of these people.  But there are things I miss now that I never expected to miss.  I really didn’t know what I had until it was gone.  True, my kiddos are still alive and willing to interact with me via phone calls, texts, etc.  But they aren’t around all the time like they once were.

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True Confessions

Confession #1 – I am still, at the age of 46, learning how to schedule my time to do all things I need to do and hopefully squeeze out some time for things I WANT to do.  As my absence from this blog can testify, I didn’t do so well through July!  Might have something to do with the fact that both of the Youth Theater shows were that month with two tech weeks happening just three weeks apart!  The summer program is over and life has slowed down . . . sort of . . . or at least, looks like what “slowed down” is around here!  Hopefully I can nudge “post on the blog” up the priority list!

Confession #2 – I know that I need to make healthier eating choices, but I get so overwhelmed with the contradictory “healthy eating” information out there – no carb, low carb, low calorie, high protein, low fat, exercise more but only interval training works, lift weights, etc. – that I have to fight a serious urge to give up and just go eat a bowl of ice cream.  Or two.  I’m not giving up on the healthier eating goal, but I’m not making as much forward progress as I would like!

Confession #3 – Many, MANY years ago, when I got married, I bought into the unspoken but carefully taught lie (the media, comments of other women, etc.)  that every husband is a project.  They need cleaned up or dressed up or fixed up by their far more capable wives.  I didn’t set out on my marriage with the sole purpose of “fixing” my husband but I definitely understood it to be one of my “jobs”.  How did I learn that you ask?  Simple.  Every husband/father on sitcom television was a moron, incapable of having a thought that his wife didn’t carefully and systematically trick him into having.  (Don’t believe me?  Watch old episodes of The Cosby Show.  The man was supposedly a doctor but teachers wouldn’t trust him to have a conversation about his kids and his wife was CONSTANTLY scheming with her kids to manipulate him!)  The other “teacher” of this attitude was the way married women I knew spoke of their husbands.

“How many kids do I have?  Well, I’ve given birth to three and I’m married so, really, I have four children” at which point all the other women in the group would chuckle knowingly as if some great secret of the universe had been shared.

“And he let her go out of the house wearing a polka dot top with a plaid skirt!  But what can you expect, he’s a man!”

You get the idea.  It’s taken time, but thanks to some wonderful counselors and, most recently, some FABULOUS accountability partners, I’ve learned to focus on the things about my husband that are amazing.  He never shies from physical labor and is VERY quick to help me whenever I ask.  Even if I say “whenever you have the time,” he usually jumps up right away to help.  He is a passionate pastor and I LOVE to hear him preach.  He is a committed golfer – and is actually getting REALLY good at it! – and I can say from personal experience that he is a VERY patient instructor to a total novice on the driving range and is EXTREMELY encouraging (even when said novice somehow manages to bruise her own forearm with her golf club!).  He loves to make me laugh, is my biggest fan when there is a theater or music performance I am somehow involved and certainly is my biggest encourager in life.

As I’ve focused on seeing the things about him that are good/positive/amazing I’ve discovered something quite fascinating.  We were complete opposites in high school.  I, the triple nerd status performing arts geek – band, theater, and choir – and he, the year round athlete.  (I hesitate to say “jock” because the man is also extremely smart and doesn’t fit the “dumb jock” characterization at all!)  And like many young women, I had this picture of what my “perfect man” would be like.  But I”ve learned something.  My idea of that “perfect spouse” fell so far short of what I really needed.  I’m still WAY more into the performing arts than he is.  But he’s tried out for a couple of plays at the local theater.  Won an award in the first one and will find out this weekend if he’s been cast in the other.  And me?  I’ve actually swung a golf club a few times.  As for my skill . . . let’s just say I won’t be winning any awards any time soon.  Probably ever.  But we’ve each managed to step into the others passion a bit and found the experience to be a rather fun one!  (And he truly is the most patient instructor ever for a totally uncoordinated clutz swinging a golf club!)

That fascinating thing I discovered?  When I learned to value my husband for his character and his drive and his passion, I was thrilled to discover that he really has been my “perfect man” all along.  His strengths shore up my weaknesses, his level-headed, analytical approach to things keeps my tendency to respond emotionally from running away with me.  He loves to make me laugh and smile as often as he can and frequently tells me I’m beautiful.  As if all of that isn’t enough, he tells me “no” when I need to hear it – whether it’s in relationship to finances or my simply trying to get him to do things for me that I really should do for myself!  He let’s me babble on about my latest theatrical endeavor and has learned the art of simply listening when I’ve encountered a situation that leaves me needing to vent.

He may not be the man I THOUGHT I wanted.  But I am so thrilled to say that he is exactly the man I needed as a partner in this crazy ride called life!

What I’ve learned . . .

This post is going to lean toward that disjointed/random thoughts kind of thing.  Nothing HUGELY profound has happened recently, but several small things or conversations have reminded me of lessons that life has helped me learn.  So here they are!

  •  Forgiveness is almost never solely about the other person.  Sometimes it’s not about them at all.  It’s about letting go of your “right” to get revenge and choose to move forward with a positive attitude
  • If you seek to be a positive person who looks for the good in others, you will sometimes get burned by those who are willing to take advantage of others.  But be a positive person anyway.  Don’t give the “users” any power over your attitude and perspective.
  • Not every one will like the work you do.  But if the majority of the feedback is positive, learn what you can to improve – because EVERYONE has room to improve – and move forward!
  • Your passion will not always be understood by others around you but don’t walk away from it no matter what.  Your passion is YOURS because it is what you are supposed to pursue.  You will eventually find others who share your passion and they will gladly share the journey!
  • If you need to take time for you . . . do it and don’t apologize!  Even the most social butterfly will find him/herself in need of some “down” time.  If you feel the urge to put on comfy clothes and turn on Netflix, then do it.

One of the college classes I teach is intended to be taken by education majors.  I tell my students all the time that it is imperative that they seek to learn new things for the rest of their lives.  So I’m grateful that at 46 I can have lessons reinforced and maybe even learn a new thing or two!

At a Loss For Words

There are times I open up the “new post” window in this blog and type in a few words and then . . . I’m stuck.  The problem varies from time to time.

  • I’m not sure that others will understand what I am trying to say.
  • I’m not exactly sure what I’m trying to say!
  • I can’t find a way to say that wouldn’t call others out and I’m not willing to use this blog to attack others.
  • I’m still working on the same life lesson and I am a little embarrassed to have people think that I’m “stuck”.
  • My thoughts are random and don’t link together for one cohesive post.

You get the idea.  So I keep thinking through things, coming up with ideas for the blog and then rejecting them for one of the reasons listed above (or others!) and then three weeks have gone by with no post!

Today I’m going to bite the bullet and throw the random thoughts together the reader sort it all out!

My twenty year dream of a musical theater company that specializes in small cast musicals will come to life this Saturday with the launch event of Stage Door Productions.  I’m all over the place emotionally and can’t decide if I want to throw a party or just throw up!

I’ve had some personal insights into some “rough spots” in my life.  Nothing profound or life-altering but it did help with perspective and provided some focus!

I’m examining my volunteer commitments and may be altering that part of my life.  All the causes I’m a part of are great – they just may not be right for me at this time.

 Trying to find ways to get creative in the music classroom when it is uncomfortably cold!  I have a corner room, two walls of windows and NONE of them seal well so I have a serious draft in my room and we’ve had many more sub-zero days than above zero days.  The students FREEZE when they come to music and there is nothing I can do about it.  (To say nothing of the fact that I’m in there for four hours and am a bit chilled myself!)

So there it is!  The bizarre world of my random thoughts laid out in sound bytes!  Hopefully I will get one decent thought going SOON for a more cohesive post!

A New Thing

I’m still here!  I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth despite my blog-related silence!!

When Yahweh decides to do a “new thing” in the life of one of his children, he doesn’t mess around.  I promise a much lengthier post soon – maybe a series of them the way things are going! – that will give you a glimpse into what he is doing.  Until then, I thought I would check in to let you know that I have not vanished.  I’ve merely been preoccupied with a major paradigm shift!

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